How To Become A Superstar

by Bo Sanchez

Last week, I got a body massage that I’ll never forget.

I was massaged by “Ate Guy” (Not her real name).

I call her “Ate Guy” because though she looks like a woman, I have a suspicion she’s really a guy. In fact, she has the strength of 10 guys in her little female body. But I’m getting ahead of my story.

One of my friends recommended Ate Guy to me, praising her skill to the highest heavens. My friend said, “Ate Guy’s singular mission in life is to remove your lamig (cold). She’s obsessed. She goes berserk when she finds lamig in your body. She’ll not stop massaging you until the lamig is pulverized under her fingers.”

With that glowing description, my wife and I contracted her services.

By the way, let me educate my non-Filipino readers. Lamig means cold, but it means more than that. Sometimes, it’s also called hangin or air. When Asians get sick, we say we have lamig or hangin in our bodies. It doesn’t jive with modern medicine, but this belief has lived on for centuries.

In fact, it’s not uncommon that when you get massaged using this traditional method, you dighay and diglo at lot. Translation: Dighay is burp. Diglo is butt burp.

On the agreed time, Ate Guy came to our house.

The Torment Begins

I studied Ate Guy.

She was 4’11. Mid-thirties. Bordering on thin. Girlish ponytail.

Pretty harmless, I thought to myself.

My wife placed a mattress on the floor of our living room and lay down. She wanted to go first. As Ate Guy started massaging her, I sat a few feet away, writing on my computer. I looked on Marowe’s face: She was so relaxed. She appeared half-asleep. I got excited. I wanted to relax and sleep too...[click here to read more]

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